I knew that I was so screwed, both literally and figuratively, the second we both realized the condom had fallen off.
Not only was I mortified but I was also grossed out. I mean, really grossed out. It wasn’t as though we got to do it all that often, and when we did, this happened.
I really felt the situation I was in was pretty shocking, especially since it was before 8am and I barely had time to shake the sleep off before I realized he was on top of me, which I thought I might like at first. Then realized that it was Tom and sex with him was usually awkward and not fun at all. I didn’t even know why I was here, with him, still. He wasn’t exactly the guys of my dreams, but that’s what happens when you become too comfortable with your life and stop desiring more. The first guy to call you “honey” becomes your boyfriend, whether that was the initial plan or not. The relationship just kind of happens and then you wake up and realize that it’s been half a decade and you are still together.
At least that’s what happened with us.
We were an odd couple, but still by most people’s definition, a couple. He was crabby and grumpy, and I was happy and optimistic, and we didn't really fit together at all. We just existed together for reasons I, nor anyone else could understand but for the time being it worked and nobody really scrutinized it too closely.
I knew the second we realized the condom had fallen off that things just weren’t going to end well. Tom looked at me, his light brown eyes wide, and said, "Oh, shit!" as he backed up from the condom like it was a snake about to bite him in the nuts.
Really? That's all he’s going to say to me about it? Oh, shit!?
Well, Happy freaking 25th birthday to me!
***************
I knew I didn't have anyone to blame but myself about staying with Tom, in a passionless, loveless relationship. I was young and maybe even a bit lazy, inand out of college when I could afford it. I was completely lost in my life with no idea how to find myself but then again, it’s not as though I was making much of an effort. I was tired of waiting tables, but I didn't really know how to do anything else. Besides, it was good money and I didn’t have a lot of options.
There was nothing I could do about the mishap at the moment. I went downstairs without even bothering to say anything to Tom. He rolled over and was already snoring away, so I went into the kitchen and made some coffee and poured myself a bowl of cereal. I tried to pet our grey cat, Willow, who had just jumped on the counter to watch the coffee brew but he scurried away from me just out of arm’s length. He stared at me with an air of disdain while he licked his paws. I hated cats. I especially hated this selfish fat cat. He didn't want anything to do with me unless I was feeding him. Brat!
But now, all I could think about was that stupid broken disgusting condom.
My phone buzzed.
"Happy birthday, my lovely. Party tonight. XO Anna" Anna was texting me first thing in the morning, like she usually did.
My Bestie since the first grade, Anna always remembered my birthday, usually before anyone else. I couldn't wait to tell her what happened, but I didn't want to do it in a text conversation. I wanted to tell her in person.
"Wait till I tell you what happened first thing this morning."
I knew she would be shocked when I told her that Tom climbed on me, since he hadn’t done so in months. But she didn't respond which was just as well because I didn’t really want to have a text conversation about it anyway. She was working, trying to be a responsible adult, unlike myself so she didn’t have time for my drama, even if it was my birthday.
It was 9 o’clock AM on my birthday and already, I felt depressed. My birthday usually made me feel depressed, but not this early. It typically hit by noon, but thanks to the morning mishap, it was creeping up on me a lot sooner.
It struck me that I hoped he didn't think the morning’s disaster was my birthday present, which I could completely see! An overwhelming feeling of disdain for Tom his stupid grey cat came over me before I could help myself and I started reflecting about our relationship, as I often did when I wasn’t happy. Tom wasn’t very nice to me. He was typically harsh and condescending, and lacked a filter, no matter where he was or who as around. Whatever he was thinking, just flew out of his mouth. The other morning when he realized I forgot to buy milk he snarled at me, “What that fuck were you thinking Lys? How am I supposed to eat my damn cereal now?”
I cringed when it happened, but I realized that it was a typical scenario. It didn’t seem to matter if it was milk, laundry, what I made for dinner, or what I wore to the bar, Tom just wasn’t pleased about something. Whether it was my birthday or a random Thursday, I often wondered why we were still together, sharing cartons of milk and a life.
And now this condom incident.
My face started to get hot and I realized that I was freaking out over the thought of it. I had always been so careful with my birth control, no matter who the guy was, or how many times I slept with him!
I didn't want to have a baby, ever. A messy, loud, time-sucking expensive baby. I always told everyone that I never wanted to have a baby. Babies were dirty and they spit up and shit everywhere. Every parent I knew was exhausted. They never slept and said their children took up every second of your time. They attempted to sound happy about it. But you could tell from the bags under their eyes and copious amounts of caffeine they needed to function, that it wasn’t as magical as they tried to make it seem. Babies were but, but was it worth the sacrifice of having sagging boobs, getting fat, and having stretched out lady parts? I had to admit that there were a few babies that were adorable, but the majority of them just had big heads, weird hair, and looked like aliens. The thought of that big head pushing itself out of a very sensitive area of the body made me want to vomit. I decided before I ever lost my virginity to Bobby Baughman, that I had no desire to ever have one of those things popping out of my body.
I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember; journals, poems, and short stories. I always wanted to write a novel and started several over the years, but for some reason I could never see them through to the end. Until Eva came along.
I was abandoned as a child, at about the age of 2 or 3 which I strangely never gave a lot of thought to. Then I became a mother. When my youngest child was about 2, I watched him sleeping one night as I often did. But this night, I was gripped by this heart-wrenching realization that he was about the age that I was when my parents left me. Something stirred inside of me, and eventually Eva was born. “Leaving Eva” began as a story of a girl who was heartlessly abandoned, and then her story took on a life of its own. It was no longer the story that I began, and it became something else entirely.
I am happy to have finally gotten in touch with my inner Author. She’s always been there lying dormant inside of me, reflecting in other parts of my life. But now she is awake and alive, shining through me every day.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband, two beautiful children, and an incredible family. I have a career that is rewarding and challenging and I get to work with amazing, funny, talented people every day.
Writing has been an escape, a refuge, and an outlet for me. I feel so lucky to get to channel my energy and my creativity through my writing.
I hope that my readers will continue to stay with me through my journey as I grown and evolve. I am so grateful for the support I’ve received and the amazing people that I’ve encountered along the way!
